I am stealing this but It is very true!!
I Cry.
It might not seem like I do because most of the time I wait until everyone is asleep. Then I use the darkness of the night to hide my tears. Like a baby I cry myself to sleep and I silently wish the tears will wash all of this fear away.
I Obsess.
I research and I read and I blog until my eyes bleed. My poor eyes. I can't learn enough... can't know enough. I keep on searching for a different/better answer when I know I have already found it.
I Hate.
I'm not a jealous person but why is this happening to my precious baby and not yours. It isn't fair, it isn't right, and I hate the fact that you are so happy and I am so unbelievably scared.
I Doubt.
I doubt my decisions, I doubt my surgeons, I doubt my motives, I doubt my faith. It's amazing how someone who once was so strong can crumble into a million pieces so quickly.
I Wait.
For answers... for appointments.... for surgery..... for acceptance... to finally shout from the rooftops "we're on the other side".
I Stare.
At your head, at their head..... At the waiting room wall..... At the Ct scan... at the surgeon when he says "craniosynostosis".
I Deny.
I make yet another appointment in hopes that someone will reverse the original diagnosis. This can't be happening.
I Worry.
About everything. Developmental delays.. ICP... what other people will say.... your vision...Your blood count... Anesthesia... Second Surgeries... will it ever stop?
I Pray.
For guidance, for peace, for my life to return to normal. For a successful surgery for you and a successful surgery for all.
I Cry Again.
I never knew that happiness could bring so many tears. You smile at me behind all of your bandages and wires and I melt into the floor.
I Grow.
Not only as a mom but as a person. Your journey and strength changed my life for the better.
I Overcome.
The fear, the anxiety, the tears, the hate, the doubt, the worry.
I Love.
My baby. My cranio family. Your successful journey and the beautiful life it's become.
only 3 more days before Lucas has his surgery and I'm not ready, I'm falling apart at the seems, I'm coming unglued!!
the fears of a mother, who fears that noone knows her baby better than her. She also knows that the world is there to help her, and wants to trust them, but love is still uncertain. she wants to have certainty and only certainty for her baby... Trust the Medical world and keep your mothers eyes on them.. all will be well.
ReplyDeletethat is beautiful, i am not a parent of a cranio child but my daughter was born with Spina Bifida and i went through this i was 18 when she was born and i grew up very fast almost overnight. She has had many surgeries on her legs and head and i have almost lost her. My grandpa told me god delivers these special children to special people because he knows that we can look after them. Remember the mothers instinct as it is usually right..
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